Picture the scene: Office of Christmas Carols Inc, home of writing all things Christmassy. Two staff writers have been given the job of penning a new carol with a historical twist. Time is running out. It’s snowy dark outside, and we pan back to see the remnants of the office Christmas party. The Alpine Cuckoo clock is ticking, the mulled wine is running low. Maybe this is how all great classics are penned. Maybe…
"So, I'm thinking, we need a strong opener, right? Good is good. King - they don't come no bigger. Wait - Wenceslas? That's a cheese, innit? Oh, I see - he's the big cheese. No. What?” | ||
Good King Wenceslas looked out | ||
"He’s not actually a King - does that matter? He was a Duke. The Duke of Bohemia, in fact, between 907 and 935. St Stephen now - will people know what he's got to do with Christmas?" | ||
“Listen, this Stephen thing. I'm not sure it's gonna work. The guy was best known for getting stoned! I mean, it's not like no one gets stoned at Christmas - but does that shout 'family values' to you.” | ||
When the snow lay round about Deep and crisp and even | ||
“That’s good scene setting, right there” | ||
"What - is that a shot at product placement? Was there even pizza in the 10th century? Or espresso. Wait, not even smashed avo on sourdough toast?" | ||
Brightly shone the moon that night Though the frost was cruel | ||
“Lush, that is. Don't we need reindeer though? I mean: Brightly shone the moon that night All sparkly on the reindeer Put that beer back in the fridge? I fear you speak in vain, dear How's that land with you.” | ||
When a poor man came in sight Gathering winter fuel | ||
"Quite right. It’s his duty as a citizen to try everything to avoid fuel poverty." | ||
"So, outside-in, putting ourselves in the shoes of Bohemian royalty, what’s the tone of voice here? Is it a bit like ‘Scaramouche, Scaramouche, can you do the fandango’. I know…" | ||
Hither, page, and stand by me, If thou knowst it, telling | ||
"If it was good enough for Freddy…" | ||
"Hither! You don't meet too many Hither's these days." | ||
Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling? | ||
"Yeah. Funny. This page guy deserves a name, right? I’m on it…." | ||
Sire, he lives a good league hence, Underneath the mountain Right against the forest fence By Saint Agnes fountain. | ||
"Wait - I’ve got the next verse: Begging coins at wishing wells Next to the city dung pile In a hovel made of sticks that smells A conscious choice of lifestyle. Yeah?" | ||
"Nnnnnnnnope!
| ||
Bring me flesh and bring me wine Bring me pine logs hither Thou and I shall see him dine When we bear them thither. | ||
"I love it that he never dithered before he thithered." | ||
Page and monarch, forth they went Forth they went together | ||
"Think anyone will notice that little repetition ‘cos it gives me breathing room to conjure a difficult rhyme?" | ||
"Listen, you know that Christmas moment when Granny dozes off and farts? And you blame the dog because… you’d feel better shooting Rudolph than admitting Granny can crack one out. Well how about…." | ||
Through the rude winds wild lament And the bitter weather | ||
"…see what I did there!" | ||
Sire, the night is darker now And the wind blows stronger | ||
"Hehe… that fart joke has wings…" | ||
"Enough with the farts. You’re ruining my character versus nature dramatic conflict." | ||
Fails my heart, I know not how I can go no longer. Mark my footsteps, good my page Tread thou in them boldly | ||
"Wait: - Mark my footsteps, good my page? We could go gangsta: Mark my footsteps good, my page Or maybe trad, with: Mark my footsteps, my good page Whadya think?" | ||
"Hell yeah! Well, actually, hell no." | ||
Thou shall find the winters rage Freeze thy blood less coldly. | ||
"Slipped in a little controversy. The nerds will be up in arms that you can’t freeze something less. Hate nerds." | ||
In his masters step he trod Where the snow lay dinted Heat was in the very sod Which the Saint had printed | ||
"Don’t heat plus snow = puddle?" | ||
"Nerd!" | ||
Therefore, Christian men, be sure Wealth or rank possessing | ||
"Have we bigged up the drama enough? Should the Good King slip on his ermine and fall unconscious into a snowdrift to be rescued by the page?" | ||
"I'm going with Frederick (Freddy) - for the page. That'll stand the test of time." | ||
"Maybe Freddy and the poor guy should team up for the rescue? A bit more drama, a bit less 'blessed are the poor' dodginess." | ||
Ye, who now will bless the poor Shall yourselves find blessing. | ||
"Oh, you’ve gone there." | ||
"Took us a while to get there - but that is the take away for the ages." | ||
"Nice!" | ||
"That's a wrap!" | ||
What do you think?